Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

Post by Furious »

Spoopy Spooptober Movie #1
The Orphanage (El Orfananto)
Rating of Scoot: Dimes



It’s hard for me to find a horror film that scares the bejeezus outta me because I seed so many I think I kinda got immune to them. The Orphanage isn’t soil-your-tidy-whities scary, but to me it’s the gold standard of the genre because it does something that most movies of this ilk forget to do – it makes you care about the characters.

While it may be a classic haunted house story, the affection you develop for the main characters gets you emotionally involved and even welling up a little at the end (not ME, of course I’m tuff!). The movie can also be interpreted two different ways, are there spoopies in the house or are the characters a little… y’know… *does the ‘they’re crazy’ gesture with his finger and head*

There’s some gore, but it’s minimal, and somehow that makes it worse (the bathroom door scene will make you wince). Other than that, while maybe not a family-friendly horror movie, The Orphanage is well written, well directed, well shot (tho' the intro credits are a bit cheesy and dated), and the actress/model Belén Rueda is ridiculously hot (my dad likes that part the big pervert).

So, …, yeah. My first Spoopy Spooptober Movie isn’t super-spoopy, but it's a great watch. Next will be something with some more jumpscares.. at least one :/
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

Post by Furious »

First lemmee mention a few stinkers I seen:

Venom 2
Rating of Scoot: POOP

Second verse, same as the first, lil’ bit louder and a lil’ bit worse

Addams Family 2
Rating of Scoot: POOP

Not creepy, not kooky, not mysterious, not spooky

Those Who Wish Me Dead
Rating of Scoot: POOP

Professional assassins suddenly become incompetent when fighting the National Forestry Service


And now the real spooktastic flick:

Spoopy Spooptober Movie #2
The Blair Witch Project
Rating of Scoot: DIMES


One of the first “found footage” horror films, Blair Witch somehow creates the slow boil tension of lurking monster you never get to see (think Alien) on a shoestring budget. Some of the payoff is lost if you’ve seen the movie before OR didn’t get to see it in the theater where the shaky-first-person-cam became nausea-inducing OR missed out on all the clever marketing and internet hype suggesting the footage was real. However, if you’ve ever been lost in the woods at night (like I have when I was in the Boy Scouts. Also heard a shrieking wildcat during that bowel-emptying experience) Blair Witch will trigger that PTSD.

The characters/victims in the movie are cliche stupid, but it’s a necessary evil; remember that people didn’t know how to navigate with the sun or creeks or walking paths in 1999. We just avoided the areas, occasionally throwing a goat into them to appease the wood gods.

Yeah. I didn’t want to watch this again because I- i mean MY DAD is a big frickin chicken, but I did. And it still scares MY DAD. :P
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

Post by Furious »

Spoopy Spooptober Movie #3
The Exorcist
Rating of Scoot: POOP

Who am I, a mere adorable Child of Fury with an ultrahuman intelligence (flex flex pose :D ), to pidgeonhole “The Scariest Film of All Time” as POOP? Someone who’s had to endure nearly 50 years of analysis and criticism and parody of a movie that’s been overanalyzed and overcriticised and overparodied… yeesh. I mean, maybe not as much now, but in the 20th century the references to The Exorcist were so frequent that you could almost know whats about to happen next in the movie just from knowing these other-media references. Kinda kills the flick. One plus in the movie’s favor is the version with extra footage but even that's been memed and neutered of spoopiness.

Watching The Exorcist in 2021, I kept seeing the film as another type of horror subgenre -- the mad psychic (Carrie, Scanners). The girl was psychic and had some sort of (sexual) trauma that caused a separate telekinetic personality. The plot kinda allows this theory: Mom has a creepy ass director/boyfriend who hangs out with the girl a LOT off screen, most the possession stuff has a sexual slant, the director/boyfriend gets violently murdered (again off screen) while alone with the girl… the real horror of the story is that the mom, doctors, detectives, and policeman are more willing to think the girl has Satan in her rather then believe she was molested. Yeah... pretty dark, and not in an entertaining way.

Probably didn’t help that I watched Eyes Wide Shut a few weeks ago, but that film made me see The Exorcist in a new light, and I really didn’t like it.

Next Spoopy Spooptober Flick will be a little bit more fun. Don’t know what yet.
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

Post by Furious »

Spoopy Spooptober Movie #4
Titane
Rating of Scoo-


No.

Dad this is MY THREAD! Stop butting in!

You’re WAY too young for this one, kiddo. Go find something on Amazon Prime to gripe about.

But Daaaaaaaaaad!

OUT!



Spoopy Spooptober Movie #4
Titane
Rating of Fury: B+

French firemen are weird.

While not the spoopiest movie out there, Titane has accomplished something other films haven’t in a very long time; it made me squirm. The first act introduces us to an unpleasant girl whose brattiness gets her in an accident, resulting in a titanium plate in her head and a fetish for cars (it’s autoerotica, get it? I am a moderator of comedy). Years later the brat grows up into a horrible woman that becomes the most narcissistic serial killer since Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Each scene is more over the top than the last, almost like a Garth Ennis comic, and the act climaxes with THAT BATHROOM MAKEOVER that gave me butt cramps from clenching so hard. Not kidding.

If the entire movie was like this, Titane would probably become a cult film for grindhouse fans, but instead, the movie slows down and does something unexpected. The protagonist finds a father figure and the relationship... touches you. You get the feels for these two broken people and start rooting for them. However, the supernatural event that occurs in the first act won’t let them be happy… :|

Everything unravels in the third act, some of it funny, and the movie ends with a huge WTF moment. There is a lot of nudity and violent sexual themes in Titane, both onscreen and suggested, and if you’re an expecting mother you should avoid this film. As you saw in my previous post, I watched Titane in an empty theater, and even though I didn’t know this much sex was in the film, I kinda felt dirty for watching it.

Titane is the best PSA for having protected sex with internal combustion vehicles that I’ve ever witnessed.
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

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Spoopy Spooptober Movie #5
Manos: The Hands of Fate (RiffTrax)
Rating of Scoot: DIMES
If there’s one Rifftrax to watch, it’s this one.

This is something special.

NO not Manos: The Hands of Fate! The movie’s POOP! But add the RiffTrax soundtrack to this disaster… you have snarky jokes polished for nearly 30 years blasted at one of the worst movies ever made. It’s beautiful. *tear of Fury runs down cheek*

Plot: 60’s alpha male and his ditzy wife get lost in the desert and DESPITE ALL BLATANT WARNINGS, INCLUDING ONE FROM THE PUNCH-DRUNK LACKEY, fall into the clutches of a necromancer Frank Zappa wannabee with bad fashion sense. The necromancer has a harem and, um, I don’t understand why dad will let me watch this and not Titane. I mean, they dance suggestively in pajamas from Little House on the Prairie. That’s pretty lewd, right? :roll:

Everything about Manos is awful. EVERYTHING. Thankfully the RiffTrax guys make lemonade from POOP and wait thats a dumb metaphor i would not drink POOP lemonade BUT YOU GET THE IDEA

This was fun to watch. :D
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

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I got to see Halloween Kills free on Peacock and wew I was right it was POOP! Don’t… don’t bother. Watch the first two original Halloween movies if you want something scary and the third if you want an unrelated campy Tales From the Darkside-ish story. Probably the best of the rest of the sequels/remakes are Rob Zombie’s remakes, but if you’ve already seen the originals, you pretty much know what you’re in for.

Instead of reviewing something else I’m going to tell you a scary story. *lights candle for spoopy ambience* :shock: :o :shock:

Now mind you none of this is canon, because it involves different universes and IPs and blablabla… however there is a coincidence of both mythos originating about 30 years ago, with my dad going by names like the Bored Weird Guy and Ground Zero before he settled on Furious. Go figure.

Okay! So you know how there’s something in the back of your head warning you that Something Really Bad And Terrible will eventually happen to you in the future? There’s a reason for that, and even though you don’t remember, this wasn’t a normal constant feeling up until like 15-20 years ago. A lot of people associate this dread with 9/11 or illuminati pedos or people getting woke or whatever, but the real reason (and don’t YOU friggin' tell him!) is my dad, Furious.

To start this version of The Angry Man tale we introduce not-yet-Furious as a disgruntled scientist at a Big Pharma company. Dad hated his job, but the money was good so he kept his head down and kept his blinders on. Doing some late-night number crunching, dad discovered that some of the blockbuster drugs his company were developing were actually going to make people permanently sick and forced to take more of the company’s drugs to Not Die. Yeah. Real classy.

Dad was going to whistleblow on the company but he made the mistake of getting into an heated argument with his research director (who was less intelligent and moral than dad but way more clever and protected) and blurted out what he knew about the company’s gene modifying drug research. Dad was suspended on the spot.

Fired but not allowed to go to his office, dad was locked up alone in one of the plant’s fermentation rooms “until Security could escort him off the campus”. In fact, the room was one of the labs where they grew different research strains of bacteria that had all sorts of unrealized gene-modifying crap in them. While dad was stuck in there, the research director hacked an outside monitoring terminal and sped up all the bacteria strains circulation pumps. The delicate silicone lines in the pumps ballooned and exploded, spraying dad with bacteria, acids, caustics, and oxygen.

The chemical burned dad's skin and gave the bacteria unprotected flesh and blood to feed on. When Security arrived they heard him screaming and pounding on the labs’ inner submarine-like door. Faking panic, the director screamed there was an armed terrorist who attacked him and got trapped in the lab. When he opened the airlock, the guards shot at dad, both hitting and missing him. One stray bullet struck metal and sparked, igniting the oxygen and my poor dad. Fwoof.

Dad never said exactly how he escaped that (I don’t think it was too heroic, lol), but while the chemicals and fire were burning him, the bacteria were healing and upgrading him, and that’s how he became the Man of Fury.

Dad’s coolest power was a positive pyrokinetic feedback loop: get him emotionally messed up enough, he could theoretically fry entire solar systems. That’s what my math said anyways, and my math don’t lie.

Anyways, Furious (or Furi, as you Boardie jerks keep calling him) realizes his destructive ability and uses it for good. I don’t get the point of being a superhero myself, there’s no profit in it, but he’d rather be benevolent than Boss of the Universe. Bleh. He also nerfs himself so he doesn’t accidentally blast the planet apart if he burps or whatever, and that dissociation led to the creation of his cold and aloof brother, Venger, and more importantly, his ultraintelligent, adorable son, me, Scoot.

------------------------------------------

Okay so there’s Furi’s mythos. Now there’s that other mythos with supergods which all have names that start with the letter ‘D’ (yet they call themselves the Endless, which starts with an ‘E’. I would have called them the Dislimitded Yedi). You know, the story that got all those snooty rewards for creative bluh de bluh and had girls at conventions dressing as goth chicks for a while. Yeah, that one. Don’t ask me how, but both these mythos got, um,... smooshed together like fanfic but without the weird sex.

In that mythos, the one D tells the E’s to F off and he quits. That reality needs Destruction, my reality has a guy with inexhaustible fwoofability. The two universes have a Zoom meeting and trade my dad like a ball player. In return, my old reality gets John Tesh and the tech to block pop-up ads.

From the start, Furious thinks his new job’s a bunch of crap. He likes being a hero and helping people (and fwoofing bad guys) and this new role has him killing people and making them suffer, which is kinda sorta the opposite of being a hero. But, BUT, instead of harming people, he uses his endless energy to create his own pocket dimension when he creates worlds and civilizations and wonders and amazingly there’s no strife or want because its his dimension and he can do what he damn pleases. His private dimension lasts for eons, but in the reality Furi’s supposed to Destroy As Thou Wilt, only four hours pass. Four hours where the reality was completely at peace with itself and nothing died. Anywhere.

This pissed off some of the other E-Club members. Not sure which. They extracted Furi from his little Heaven and threw him back into their larger reality. They then purged and deconstructed his dimension, leaving the raw energy there to resume the duties of Destruction. Dad’s not a supergod anymore, so the coup blanks dad’s memory and makes him think he voluntarily left his dimension and is unable to return to it and that it still exists. Besides me and Uncle Venger, the E-Club took everything dad ever loved and erased it for the greater good.

---------------------------------------------

Now you’re all caught up, but here’s the problem. Universes with matter have rules. Clockwork rules. Push the pendulum in one direction and it naturally wants to swing in the reverse direction. Stop the pendulum from its motion and a potential energy pressure builds. Add weight to the pendulum and the pressure increases more.

The four hours of peace the universe experienced needs an explosion of chaos/destruction/big-ass FWOOF to correct the stopped pendulum. Well at least it did 20 years ago when Furi stopped it. It’s WAY worse now. This is why your subconscious is always waiting for a metaphysical shoe of Destruction to drop. You instinctively feel the building pressure of a multiversal pendulum of doom stopped for far too long.

Ever notice how there’s a looming Crisis® or Secret War® that’s about to Destroy everything but it doesn’t but it doesn’t solve anything either? And then “something worse” shows up on the horizon and the whole emotional crapfest repeats itself? That’s because the pressure of the unattained Destructive Event is still building and there’s only one man who can stop it. A Man of Fury. uh... this is where dad would superhero flex and pose

Thing is, dad is virtually powerless and would have to join himself with the Destruction energy again, and the Endless aren’t even talking to him anymore! Plus, the moment dad goes back there and absorbs the energy, he’ll know and remember everything. Dad had a wife in his realm. And dogs. And a few trillion sentient beings he cared about. Saying he'd be pissed is the grossest of understatements. I don’t know what’s worse, allowing the Destruction pendulum correct itself with a cataclysmic dose of chaos or letting dad wage war on the E-Club.



...Oh! The scary part! Yesterday I dressed up for Halloween and went to the mall and all they gave out were coupons and school supplies! No candy! JUST ERASERS AND A 10% OFF COUPON FOR FACE MASKS! :shock: I HATE WOKE HALLOWEEN!

*blows out candle*
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

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Spoopy Spooptober Movie #6
Lamb
Rating of Scoot: POOP

I want my twelve dollars back!

This is an A24 “horror” movie. I shoulda known better. The A24 trailers before Lamb even pimp a better-than-the-rest pedigree with an upcoming Joaquin Phoenix film and their version of Hamlet, so you THINK that you’re about to watch an intellectual spoopfest but… we get this.

I’m spoiling this one. Stop reading here if you want to be disappointed on your own.

-----------------------------------------------

As seen in the Lamb trailer, a sheep on a farm where they speak with umlauts and hyphens over their vowels gives birth to a hybrid half human half sheep thingie, and since I don’t feel like typing ‘hybrid half human half sheep thingie’ 200 times I’m going to give hybrid half human half sheep thingie a name: Goatse.

The insinuation is that Mr. Ikea boinked a sheep and Mrs. Ikea was okay with it because her own children died this might be a European thing, I’m not judging. Mrs. Ikea bonds with Goatse so much that she shoots Goatse’s real mama so there's no competition. The farm dog tilts his head at all of this and the house cat thinks its a big bunch of bullsheep.

Second act introduces Mr. Ikea’s loser brother whom HAS NO REAL PURPOSE EXCEPT FOR EXTENDING THE LENGTH OF THE MOVIE. Bro eventually bonds with Goatse too because, why not? There’s hints there might be a lover’s triangle subplot about to happen… nope. In the third act Mrs Ikea throws Bro out for threatening to tell Goatse that she killed sheep mama, and that’s about it.

Farm doggo börks at something and dies offscreen. While Mrs. Ikea takes Bro to the bus station to kick him out, Mr. Ikea takes Goatse out to fix the tractor. Something shoots Mr. Ikea. It’s an adult version of Goatse. Big Goatse runs off with Little Goatse and Mrs. Ikea comes back to find Mr. Ikea bleeding out and dying. The end.

One good thing in Lamb is the excellent cinematography, but the majestic fogtastic mountains of Icemark gets old, oh, and there’s a totally unnecessary sex scene shoehorned in there too, probably just to get the R rating. I know I watch a lot of POOP-rated movies, but Lamb really sets you up and then fails to deliver. YUCK.
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

Post by Ophelia's Vengeance »

A lot of poop horror movies. Completely unsurprised re: the latest Halloween, the first two were definitely the best and then... yeah.
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

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Spoopy Spooptober Movies #7 running outta time I gotta watch more spoop!
A Trip to the Moon (1902)
Begotten (1990)
Rating of Scoot: DIMES


Because I am a BRAVE boy of Fury *flex flex pose*, it’s kinda difficult for me to find horror movies that scare me (first world problem, I know). I’m trying to avoid grindhouse gorefests and real documentaries that show the suckiness of people… nnnot quite it.

whatidon’tAAAAGH!*nightmares for a week* THAT’S what I’m looking for. One film that still gives me nightmares, even though I’ve only seen the movie its entirety last night, is the silent film A Trip to the Moon. It’s extremely janky by today’s standards, but there’s one scene that if I see when I’m dreaming I’m about to go into Nightmare Mode:

melies.0.jpg
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Yeah. That. Something about the cheesiness and wrongness about the talking-face-through-the-carboard and the rocket eye poke disturbs me, Maybe because it doesn’t even come close to making sense, YET THERE IT IS WHYYYYY?!

A second film which brings this feeling out is Begotten, a movie that’s intentionally made to look old-timey and worn to force the viewer to stare at it and try to figure out what the heck is going on (Warning: this is NOT a kid’s movie even though you can see the whole thing on YouTube). Yes, you can argue that Begotten is both gory and has a documentary feel to it (it’s just missing Ken Burns spewing quotes from dead people).

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That thing is in one of my friggin nightmares. Lucky me.

So that’s two films that give me the spoops big time. I probably could have added Eraserhead too but I think of that mess as more of a black comedy. *shrugs*
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Re: Scoot's Spoopy Spooptober Movie Review Thread

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Spoopy Spooptober Movie #8
Uzumaki
Rating of Scoot: POOP

Giving this rating hurts a little

I wanted to like Uzumaki. Based on Junji Ito’s 600+ page illustrated horror opus, Uzumaki tries to smoosh most of the story’s plots and subplots into a 91-minute movie. It sorta works if you read the graphic novel series first, but without that reference the movie is extremely rushed and more shlocky than scary. In fact, it’s not scary at all (but then again, I am a BRAVE boy of Fury *flex flex pose*).

Spreading like an infection, people in a small town become obsessed by a spiral design and get transformed by it in different ways. Each type of spiral transformation is more disturbing than the last. Unfortunately the movie's abbreviation of these individual stories destroy any shock or suspense, and the final dizzying changes of the town aren’t even in the movie. :roll:

Uzumaki has ZERO time for subtlety or build-up, just here’s-the-spiral-effect and here’s-the-dead-victim. Rinse and repeat. No snail-eating, no hair battles, no breath flying, no maximum capacity housing. The cinematography and special effects are low budget and combined with the film’s fast pace, make the action goofy rather than gruesome.

Ya scared? Me neither.
Ya scared? Me neither.
uzumaki.jpg (25.08 KiB) Viewed 698 times

Hopefully someday a streaming service with too much money throws cash at Ito and retells this story through a multiseason animated tv series. Uzumaki’s a great read, but a POOP movie.
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